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[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.