I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
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*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
our love story in four pictures
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett