I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Meow
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington