Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
You Might Also Like
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Hey I worked for it too!
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re