My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
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Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
choose your gary
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
How funny!
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…