Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
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I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.