*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
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me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Baller is short for ballerina
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.