“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Perfect
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Perfect.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap