Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
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N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.