I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
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I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Seems legit
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
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No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”