one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
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The struggle is real
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.