I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
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The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!