*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
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ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Grow up never but we old may grow we
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!