Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
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Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.