One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
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(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.