Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
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My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
How all things should be taught/explained.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️