Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
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I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand