Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
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When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
wtf is an acronym
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.