Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
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Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.