If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
dutch is not a serious language
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.