Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
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I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.