Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
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HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
#dalle2
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I put the p in pants.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”