haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
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If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.