I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
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Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.