The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
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“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.