Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
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women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I came this close!!!!
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.