Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
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Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.