her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
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FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.