People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
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[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.