Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
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Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.