“No way.” -Jose
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Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”