Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
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Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.