How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
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I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Have a lovely day 😊
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
What’s so funny?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee