everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
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genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.