Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
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girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.