Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
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I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Extremely relatable.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.