When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
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If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
so, is there a mister shapen head
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.