My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?