[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
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My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*