It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
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Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.