When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
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It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony