do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
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Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)