H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
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*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Life with a cat in one tweet
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.