“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
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My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Happy Friday
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
This is I, Robot all over again
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses