A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
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You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave