Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no