due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
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If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
*pronounces patio like ratio
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.