Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
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Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
(more comics:
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
uh oh
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.