I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
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If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
That’s incredible! 👌
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself