so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
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me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Whisper out to librarians!
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands